Podcast
Bismillah Rahman Raheem
About 100 years ago, Chinese tradition, three wives four concubines, (note: 3 wives 4 concubines is Chinese words to describe men who have many wives, and that wives number used to be a norm), 3000 beauty behind the palace, was not a big deal. Instead, it’s the symbol of identity and status. To trace much earlier like in bible history, Prophet Abraham had two wives. According to Hadith, Prophet Solomon had at least 99 wives and concubines. No matter which countries, in olden times, whoever was having power and money, three wives four concubines are norms. So, one can imagine the situation of Arabs in 1400 years ago?
This episode is discussing about the topic with lots of controversy, why Muslim men can marry more than one wife?
According to the statistic, over 100 years ago, the average lifespan was around 49. and the record as long as reached to 150 years ago, the lifespan average was 39 years old. So, one can imagine, how long lifespan can be people in 1400 years ago?
For the land, resources, power, war was normal. Real weapons that need to fight face to face was the standard. So uncountable people died during war. And the Arabs in 1400 years ago, had frequent tribal war, many men died during the fight. One wanted to survive, like to fight was another kind of defence. No matter it’s Arab history, or China, Europe, Africa or any Asian countries, wars were inevitable history for all these places.
One of the common consequences of war was women had more than men, because many deceased left many orphans and widows. In Arab tradition, father passed away, even mother was still alive, then they are branded as orphans.
In the world of strong eats the weak, plus that time most of the women had no knowledge and status, to marry someone was the quickest way to escape the difficulties. It’s better than being sold or becoming prostitutes.
In such a difficult society to survive, it’s not difficult to imagine, the kids in the olden time were mature much earlier. Generally, girls started to get pregnant and delivered babies at around 12, 13 years old. They didn’t have the early marriage concept. Instead, they thought 14 was too old to marry.
Do not need to look too faraway history, just look at the Ching and Ming Dynasty few hundred years ago. Or read the Shakespear famous Romeo and Juliet that about Juliet’s age, then one can approximately understand the early mature of children in 1400 years ago.
Therefore, no matter how much Jewish, Christians and idolatries dislike Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), they would defame him like a poet, a madman but never attacked him with many wives or wives are too young, because these are norms and customs at that time. Especially those who have little bit of status, marriage was always full of political goals.
It’s similar like: after Khadijah passed away, Prophet (pbuh) had 9 marriages, few of them were the order from Allah to marry. There is also marriage to teach Muslim lesson to abandon the old tradition. Every wife came from different background and tribes, in order to strengthen alliances, or to soften the enmity from the tribe and improve relationship. Every of this marriage has a purpose, it’s not because of desire. Except Ayesha, all wives were either divorcees or widows. These political marriages, to extend families prosperity or balance the power, no matter what and where, somehow still existed in certain classes of people.
Therefore, generally men with power and money, would have lots of wives, it’s the men’s status in the society. Quran (4:3) “And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one …. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].
This Ayat, besides to stop those whose eyes on rich orphans’ inheritance, or to prevent those poor orphans fell to slavery, Allah silently allowed more than one wife, but this is not only giving them rights, but also lock them up to take the responsibilities, in reality. No more like the olden day, whoever got ability, then marry as many as they want. In all these women, how many of them had been abandoned or ignored after some time?
The later part of the Ayat, “if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one …. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].” In another word, need to treat them justly, but only marry one wife is the way to be close to justice.
At that time, it was the norms and long long ago practices. Allah allowed men to marry more than one wife, but order to treat wives with justice. For example, if one wife had two bedroom home, then another wife should have the same. If $1000 for one wife, then another wife need to have the same, children had different counting. Except new marriage, all other times men should fairly share time with wives.
But in reality, it’s unavoidable to be injustice, so Allah suggested to marry one wife, because it’s much near justice. And this Allah’s suggestion, actually was to wake up people to fight their deep inside desires within themselves. How many people to marry many wives just to show off status? Or to marry for desire? This wake up call, besides is inner self struggling, it’s also to realize justice should start from family, from wife.
Here will not discuss the number of wives, because there are some people in order to maintain the number, they divorced those old and less like wife, so they can marry new one. This is simply twisting what Allah’s permit. Or actually is to insult Islam.
No matter it’s one, two, three or four wives, firstly, need to ask self if ever treat wife with justice? At the same time, based on different people in different situation, to make balanced decision. Anyway, when people make any decision, there is always some give and take.
Quran (4:129) “And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives, even if you should strive [to do so].”
This clearly indicated that men cannot fairly treat wives, because even as small as mustard size incident, will be asked. In other words, if want to avoid put self and the one you love into injustice, then marry one wife is much more appropriate. Because human is full of weakness, biased love, jealousy, loss of trust, are difficult to avoid.
Continued the same Surah, “So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging. And if you amend [your affairs] and fear Allah – then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful. “
This Ayat was an order to those who have more than one wife, do not incline toward one, and make other wife feel like hanging, which means not reliable, insecurity, being cool by husband, so to cause her to be laughed at, to be bully or to be mistreated. In many Chinese drama have shown, when men only inclined among whom they love, at the end, all those left neglected suffered the most.
Allah order Muslim men must give wife drowry. It’s not asking old wife to help to pay dowry. Or using any excuse like this is the believing women should help that forced wife to help with dowry. At the same time, men need to responsible for every wife’s daily expenses. It’s not asking wife to work, or asking them to think how to support the family themselves. Even wives choose to work, but whatever she earns, belongs to her, is not for keeping family.
Therefore, as a men, if cannot afford more than one family expenses, then do not think to marry one more wife, this is injustice to your own self and wife. At the end, may become burden to your own self and others. When there is rights, then there is responsibilities too. So not every man has the ability to do, it’s same like zakat, it’s only for those who have ability.
Meanwhile, some people think Muslim must marry more than one wife to follow Sunnah.
Muhammad (pbuh) before becoming prophet, he was 25 years old, married Khadijah, who married two times, had her own children and 15 years older than him. Khadijah bore 7 children for him, three sons passed away when young. Their marriage total 25 years long, until Khadijah passed away. After 15 years of marriage, Muhammad (pbuh) became prophet, after that 10 years, Prophet still not left her and stick around her. When Khadijah was alive, she was the only wife. Although they both experienced the pain of three sons’ passed away together, Khadijah was 15 years older than him, but still never affected the Prophet’s love and loyalty to her.
This is Sunnah too. So, do not think to marry more than one wife is sunnah. To be loyal to wife, is also Sunnah.
Time changes constantly, nowadays people generally have longer lifespan, medical has lots of improvement, children do not need to be forced to mature early like before, they can enjoy more childhood. Islam gave women rights to talk, women have the rights to decide accept or decline the marriage proposal. No matter it’s 1400 years ago or now, though many thoughts have changed and the suitable age to marriage also change, but Islam still same, at the end, women still have the rights to decided to accept or decline the marriage proposal. If one cannot go against the push from others and compromise, those who pushed, will be asked what they contributed in front of Allah later.
Of course, time, thoughts, and customs are changing constantly. But men’s excuses did not have much changes, the quote they always used “An affair is a mistake all men make.” Because of this excuse, they commit mistakes with reason shamelessly. Keeping girlfriends only, one foot steps on many boats (mean at the same time has many girlfriends), keep 2nd concubines, 3rd concubines. If there is any problem, just dust off from bottom then leave. No need to take any responsibility.
However, Islam allowed men to have more than one wife, but to every wife must take the same responsibility. It’s not a play. That’s why boyfriend and girlfriend relationship are prohibited. The man doesn’t want to take responsibility has no love.
No such concept as tried marriage (means living together), anything that is not fair to women is prohibited. Maybe to some women thinking tried marriage is not unfair to them, because they think this is how independant and modern women should think. However, in Islam, all the women’s expenses should be on men’s. Whatever women earn is belong to themselves. Women can freely to decide how to use their money but surely not on the daily living expenses. Except men have no such ability, and if women are willing to help, then it’s exception. So, this is what a real Muslim man should do. When a man no more taking responsibility of another person or matter, is he still a man?
Indeed, Islam didn’t request men have to get wife permission to marry one more. Because Allah knew the women in olden time had no status, men always in superior, three wives four concubines were social norms, women had adopted it as norm too, so there is no such thing as asking permission.
Allah also know, time will change, women will be no more like olden time that resign oneself to adversity. Many women after marriage, hoping they are the only one to their spouses. If man want to marry one more, not a single normal person will be willing to share what they already owned. It’s not like one or two times sharing. It is in a unknown long years of marriage, to give up half of the person and things that a woman used to own. Of course, there are always exceptions, but how many exceptions, only Allah knows.
Imagine, if to marry one more has to ask wife, then, actually is pushing the wife on top of the wave tip (proverb), cannot go forward and cannot go backward. To pretend acceptance, is difficult. Not to accept might get criticism why deny what Allah’s permit. At the end, might get forced to accept the reality or choose to divorce. Of course, there might have exception like wife cannot bear child that would like to say yes, but it will be super rare. Meanwhile, if one can ask wife permission, it’s similar like this kind of act are encouraged.
Of course, before and after doing this decision, everything will be recorded, one has to take all the responsibilities and consequences, cannot blame anyone. Therefore, this actually protect wife not to get into this kind of difficult situation or lead to lose control that doing something regrettable.
When decide to marry more than one wife, according to justice, men need to ask themselves: have they considered in details? Any long term living plan? Do existing wife need to give help financially? or wife need to think themselves to support themselves? have you ever considered if it will have long term effect on family and children? To marry one more wife is to please Allah, or to please your own desire? During the marriage process, do you need to tell lies, cheat or hide the truth? In order to maintain the new wife, do you need to take away what supposedly belongs to the existing wife living money to new wife?
In conclusion, all the marriage should be only to please Allah, it’s not to please own heart and desire. Both parties have rights to enjoy, but the responsibility is not small too. The most important issue is justice, Allah in Quran already mentioned, men surely cannot treat fairly among wives, and in Quran many places mentioned being fair is close to Taqwa. To follow heart or to have taqwa in Allah?
Wife is like a gift from Allah. Among the sea of human being, two people can meet, is fate. Really to be thankful to Allah is through love and treasure the gift, it’s like how Prophet (pbuh) treated his wife Khadijah.
However, still cannot deny men can marry more than one wife, because Allah granted someone financial ability. The most important is whenever make a decision, do you consider all the questions as mentioned above. Can you stand in front of Allah and have a clear conscience?
No matter what, the final rights to choose is in your hands, please think deeply. At the same time, Allah has also given rights to wife to divorce if she found out herself suffer injustice because of this.
One should know, life is full of many crossroads. Allah has already given clear guidance. No matter what decision, there is always gain and loss. It’s all up to your own decision to balance yourself from this gain and loss.
Next episode will continue discussing marriage. Thanks for listening.