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بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ
Thanks for the letter from another listener who said that after listening to episode 32 of the podcast, it’s very difficult for her not to be mourning after three days, especially if those people are very important in your life. If you can’t let go the feelings of sadness, anger or regret, and cry from time to time, am I not having enough faith?
Before answering this question, we first need to know that before Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) became the prophet, the customs of Arabs. After the death of a person, the richer or the more prestigious that people were, the more they needed to cry loudly, and the greater the expense for the deceased would be to display their status, and funerals will last for a long period of time. It can be said that there were no rules at all.
And Allah pointed out the general condition of those who passed away. For example, the hadith mentioned that if the deceased is a good person, bury him as soon as possible to get peace; if the deceased is not a good person, stay away from people of hell as soon as possible. As another example, the dead cannot return to the world except on the Day of Resurrection, and they cannot hear, see, respond to or enjoy any mortal offerings. Therefore, keep the funeral simple, and it is wiser just to pray to Allah for the deceased.
However, the Quran also emphasizes that there is no compulsory in religion. Even after three days have passed, it does not mean that one cannot think about it, cannot has missing feelings, and cannot be sad, because we are all human beings, not angels. Humans have emotions, desires, and we all make mistakes. No one is perfect, and because of this, people need to constantly turn to Allah for help and forgiveness.
As a Muslim, we all know everything is a destiny. If something is destined to belong to you, no one can stop or withhold it. If something is destined to lose, no one can keep it.
(64:11) No disaster strikes except by permission of Allah. And whoever believes in Allah – He will guide his heart. And Allah is Knowing of all things.
(57:22-23) No disaster strikes upon the earth or among yourselves except that it is in a register before We bring it into being – indeed that, for Allah, is easy – In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what He has given you….
The truth is it’s easy to say, but when someone has to really face losing someone they love, it’s actually inevitable to feel sad, angry, or regretful. Sometimes this kind of pain makes you feel suffocated, heartbroken and heartache, feeling exhausted, vulnerable, helplessness, depressed from time to time, and feeling powerless. Always remind you of the deceased when seeing some objects. Always feel things are not going well around you and feel like time is passing so slowly. Except for the tears, it feels like everything has come to a standstill. It feels like you are stuck in this loop and emotional cycle that feels like cannot get out of the emotional trap.
In fact, believing in Allah does not make the pain go away immediately, but believing in Allah will make it easier to control the emotions, because knowing that will meet again in the next life and (94:5-6) For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
(2:155) (إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ) “Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return.”
Everything we have, including life, is a gift from Allah, and everything belongs to him, everything has an end, we just return to the One Who loves us more than we love ourselves. Therefore, it is only a matter of time this peace and ease will surely come.
Believing in Allah will not immediately remove the wound on the heart, but have faith in Allah will stop the bleeding and put bandage on the wound in time, so that the wound can slowly recover, until the wound is scabbed and no longer painful. Although the scar is there, the scar will turn from pain into a unique and beautiful memory.
And also believe that everything happens is fate, and everything that happens must have its purpose. Allah only gives good endings to those who believe in Him, and sometimes the process is inevitably painful. And believe that this separation is only temporary. Do your best to do good to accumulate virtue for yourself and your loved ones, so that can prepare for the reunion in the hereafter.
Life is one test after another. No one’s life is completely passing smoothly without test, or without disease and pain, especially the road to heaven is full of thorns. Believing in Allah will not make this journey completely free of thorns, but at least it teach people how to avoid and reduce these thorns.
(3:142) Do you think you will enter Paradise without Allah proving which of you ˹truly˺ struggled ˹for His cause˺ and patiently endured?
(7:168) …We tested them with prosperity and adversity, so perhaps they would return ˹to the Right Path˺.
(2:216) …Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.
(2:155-157) We will certainly test you with a touch of fear and famine and loss of property, life, and crops. Give good news to those who patiently endure—who, when faced with a disaster, say, “Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will ˹all˺ return.” They are the ones who will receive Allah’s blessings and mercy. And it is they who are ˹rightly˺ guided.
The above verses have reflected the reality. Many times, people know these truths, but when they really enter this state of being tested, it is often difficult to maintain rational. Therefore, the Qur’an uses patience in many places.
The word “patience” in Chinese character, its structure (忍) is a knife on top of the heart. It means the pain of patience is evitable and the level of pain is different for everyone. As the proverb said, “The only one to know your pain is yourself”, and of course also Allah knows it. This word “patience” is indeed easier to read than actual doing. Therefore, Allah exhorts people to be patience and instructs them how to be patience.
(2:45-46) And seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, it is a burden except for the humble—those who are certain that they will meet their Lord and to Him they will return.
(31:17) …Establish prayer, encourage what is good and forbid what is evil, and endure patiently whatever befalls you. Surely this is a resolve to aspire to.
(38:46) Indeed, We chose them for an exclusive quality: remembrance of the home [of the Hereafter].
To sum up these few verses is to keep the prayer, do not stop praying because of a momentary sadness or disappointment. Do not forget that Allah is the only one who can control life, death and the hereafter. Also, do more good deeds, exhort good and abstain from evil, and always remember Allah and the Hereafter, this pain will one day subside.
When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was alive, he experienced the loss of his father before he was born, the loss of his mother as a child, the death of his grandfather who raised him soon after, the uncle who raised and protected him, and his beloved wife Khadijah who accompanied and supported him during all his ups and downs, also gave him many children were also passed away during his lifetime. Except for one daughter, all of his other children passed away during his lifetime too.
There are several hadiths narrated that he shed tears during the passing away moment of different family members, and he explained it clearly. The eyes shed tears involuntarily, and the heart ached, but we can only speak what pleases our Lord. He once turned his face to the mountain in front of him and said: “O mountain! If you are as sad as I am, you will surely collapse! But we can only say what Allah commanded us: (We are Allah’s servants, and we are all return to Him in the end. We thank Allah, the Creator of the worlds)”
This tear was because Allah has chosen from among His servants and placed this love, compassion and mercy in their hearts, and Allah will bestow mercy on those servants who have compassion for others.
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also clarified some doubts with this tear. He did not forbid his companions to weep from sorrow, but only forbid two kinds of stupid sounds: one is the sound of slapping their face and tearing their clothes in the event of a disaster, and the other is the sound of the devil scream.
Besides all these, there are many hadiths recorded, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) often wept during prayers. No one knows what he said to Allah, but weeping to Allah is the best way to deal with the sadness or heartache.
Therefore, please don’t blame yourself, or doubt that your belief is not enough. On the contrary, you have this doubt because you are fully aware of Allah, and you believe in His existence and take into consideration His likes and dislikes. This is the real meaning of fear of Allah “Taqwa”. Not the fear of punishment, but the fear that one’s actions will disappoint Allah.
After the three-day mourning period, it is not that people should not be able to grieve at all. On the contrary, they should not indulge in grief overly. Those who are still alive, their life goes on. Many people indulge in looking back at the past too much, so that they cannot see the people in front of them and still around them, and forget the blessings they still have. Making their lives kind of standstill, only living in regret and self-blame, that falling into a situation where they can’t extricate themselves.
Therefore, returning to a normal life as soon as possible can make people slowly get out of their sadness. Getting out of grief is not the same as forgetting your loved one, but only turning this grief into motivation to be reunited in heaven.
May Allah forgive all believers who have passed away, and grant their grave spacious. May Allah reunite everyone with their loved ones in heaven. May Allah send calmness and peace into the hearts of all those who have lost their loved ones.
Next episode will continue, thanks for listening.