Podcast
Bismillah Rahman Raheem
(Intimacy here in Chinese means sexual relationship)
Intimacy is an indispensable behavior in the relationship between husband and wife. In addition to inheriting the family line, it is also an emotional connection, giving each other a promise of love and a behavior that enhances the relationship between the husband and wife.
In fact, Intimacy also increases the feelings, understanding, interest, warmth and compassion shared between husband and wife in marriage. On the other hand, deep emotions have a positive effect on the satisfaction and frequency of Intimacy in marriage. Sometimes, one partner in a marriage may need more emotional support, while the other partner tends to have sexual intimacy. This is quite normal. Husbands and wives need to positively understand how the two types of intimacy are established with each other in order to achieve balance, to achieve mutual needs and mutual respect.
Today’s discussion is about the relationship of intimacy in marriage. What is permitted and what is forbidden?
In its nature, intimacy is to “expose nakedly” each other with a spouse, and there is a certain degree of vulnerability. For this reason, if one gains a sense of security and respect through the vulnerability of one’s own nakedness, then mutual trust can be increased, and when the trust is strengthened, the marriage relationship will become stronger.
Intimacy is one of the parts of marriage shared between spouses. This is a very deep, unique, trusting and intimate connection. Therefore, Islam does not allow to talk about the details of intimacy openly in public unless there are special reasons or questions. It shouldn’t be talked about as usual, or treated as a pastime topic among friends.
(7:189) “It is He who created you from one soul and created from it its mate that he might dwell in security with her….”
(30:21) “… He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.”
In Islamic marriage, it refers to the union of a man and a woman, and “spouse” refers to a husband or wife. In this Ayat, it is clearly stated that Allah creates a spouse from your own kind, that is, between humans as a spouse, not with other creatures or animals. And any intimacy can only happen with your spouse, and it is forbidden to have relationships with people outside of marriage, because as the Ayat mentioned Allah created a spouse, giving people the ability to attach to their spouse, no longer be alone, and not feel lonely, so that they can love each other, sympathize with each other, remind each other and help each other.
(2:223) “Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish and put forth [righteousness] for yourselves. And fear Allah and know that you will meet Him. And give good tidings to the believers.”
(7:189) “…And when he covers her, she carries a light burden (pregnancy) and continues therein….”
These two verses are both from the perspective of inheriting ancestry, and use the field as an analogy. Intimacy is described like farming, sowing seeds and producing crops, and here it points out that you can cultivate however you wish, so no matter what the posture is, one can only use the designated part where you can cultivate and sow, and there is only one organ part in woman’s body where you can sow.
Any other part is forbidden, because when Allah created man, every part of the body has its own unique use and function, disrupting its usefulness is only destroying the functionality. At the end of the section, it is stated that give good tidings to the believers, that is, intimacy is a blessing bestowed by Allah, intimacy is permitted, and intimacy is a part of marriage, so that one can get what Allah has prepared for them, which means children. One just needs to have intimacy according to what is ordered by Allah.
(26:165-166) “Do you approach males among the worlds And leave what your Lord has created for you as mates? But you are a people transgressing.”
This Ayat is about Prophet Lot, also known as Lut (pbuh), was sent to educate those who engage in same-sex intercourse. It clearly states that same-sex relationships and same-sex intercourse are forbidden, because Allah created mates, and only wife has the designated intimacy organ. Therefore, during the couple’s intimacy, only can be done in the designated part. The intimacy cannot be the same as the same sex couple intercourse. Directly saying, anal intercourse is prohibited.
Some might ask, besides the mention of the designated part to have intimacy and the forbidden part not to have intimacy, is there any other body part that one can do the intimacy?
(36:65) “That Day, We will seal over their mouths, and their hands will speak to Us, and their feet will testify about what they used to earn. “
(24:24) “On a Day when their tongues, their hands and their feet will bear witness against them as to what they used to do.”
Therefore, please decide for yourself whether the behavior during intimacy is appropriate. The important thing is that after intimacy, do both parties, especially the woman, feel respected during the process? Does it make the relationship much deeper and closer? Or does one of them feel nauseated, scared, or hurt? It should be known that every detail in life, whether open or hidden, will be broadcasted like a movie on the day of resurrection and will be judged accordingly.
Another prohibited act in intimacy, (2:222) “And they ask you about menstruation. Say, “It is harm, so keep away from wives during menstruation. And do not approach them until they are pure (clean). And when they have purified themselves, then come to them from where Allah has ordained for you. Indeed, Allah loves those who are constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves.”
Therefore, it is clearly stated that intimacy is forbidden when the wife is menstruating, but still can share the same bed, hold hands and kiss. There are many different Hadith records. When the Prophet’s wives menstruate, their lives had not changed much except for no prayer, no fasting and no intimacy. Some Hadiths even recorded that Prophet (pbuh) that he was reciting the Quran while lying on the lap of Aisha who was menstruating.
And menstruation is a gift given to women by Allah, because the cycle of menstruation represents the possibility that the body is ready to have children at any time. Only women can have children. During menstruation, they are exempted from many things and worship, but women can still making Dua, can still praise the Lord, tasbih, read translations of the Quran in non-Arabic texts, and still can express gratitude to Allah continuously.
Many people might think, due to menstruation that one cannot pray or fast, then feeling that they have less blessings than others worshipping activities. In fact, it is wrong thinking. Because when Allah created women, He also bestows menstruation to women, and Allah knows what He has created. For some women, they might think menstruation is a burden. But in fact, to accept the idea that is the gift of Allah, is the real worshipping activity. Then it is truly to accept whatever Allah creates, and the real expression of obeying Allah. When one truly accepts it completely that this is the gift of Allah, this determination of belief is no less rewarding than other worshipping acts.
On the contrary, those who think that they have no menstruation, so they are superior to women, should reflect on whether they are denying Allah’s fairness? Are they denying the blessings created by Allah? Finally, at the end of this verse, Allah loves pure and cleanliness. When no menstruation, to have intimacy through the organ what Allah has ordered that can really keep pure and cleanliness, unlike other prohibited parts that are filled with excrement.
Meanwhile, there is no record to prohibit contraception in Quran or Hadith. Anything not prohibited, which means it’s allowed. Except only majority of the scholars agreed that under healthy condition, people do contraception through surgery. In other words, it means after surgery, it‘s totally irreversible to have children later. Then this is prohibited, otherwise, contraception in general is permitted.
In addition to not having intimacy during menstruation, it is also prohibited to have intimacy during fasting. In addition to the above, during pregnancy, postpartum breastfeeding and caring young children, women often do not have the mood to have intimacy due to changes in hormones.
According to most divorce figures, husbands are usually prone to have extramarital relationships during this period. And Islam teaches people how to use fasts to control their own behavior and sexual desires, especially those men who have not yet got married, and the married men should not pass the responsibility to the wife, so that they can find an excuse to marry extra or to have extramarital relationships.
The Prophet (pbuh) was 25 years old, at an age full of hormonal energy, married Khadijah who was 15 years older than him. Khadijah gave birth to seven children for him. Among them, they experienced the pain of losing children three times together. They had been married for 25 years, and when Khadijah was alive, she was the only wife.
When Khadijah was pregnant, giving birth, and caring for young children, Prophet (pbuh) never complained about his wife. On the contrary, he stayed with Khadijah all the time, to face together the hormonal changes at different stages, and facing the pain of losing children together.
At the age of 40, full of energy and the strongest at that age, then he became a prophet. Khadijah was around 55 years old, nearby menopause age.
The leaders of Mecca, in order to make him give up advocating to worship only one God, they took the initiative to offer him kingship, wealth and many beautiful women.
Power, wealth, and women can’t move him. He would rather continue to be persecuted. He still insisted that they should only believe in the One Lord. Therefore, as a Muslim, should have clear beliefs and know the ultimate goal in life, so that one are more likely to resist different temptations from the outside (life).
In conclusion, intimacy is a fact that cannot be ignored. The object of intimacy is a married husband and wife couple between humans, even if there may be more than one wife, but during intimacy, it can only be one husband and one wife union. Intimacy should only be performed in accordance with a specific part permitted by Allah. Intimacy during menstruation and fasting is forbidden. Intimacy in organs with excreta is forbidden. Besides all these are prohibited, the rest are allowed. Remember on the Judgment Day, tongue, hands and feet will testify what you did during your lifetime, so please be cautious what to do during intimacy.
Proper intimacy is good for both the body and mind of the couple. According to some medical investigations, intimacy can strengthen the immune system, relieve stress, enhance self-confidence, improve heart health, help memory, and strengthen the close bond between husband and wife.
If one has been married for many years, intimacy will not necessarily become boring. With the passage of time and age, the intimate relationship should become better, because spouses will understand each other’s likes, dislikes, habits and preferences better. In the Hadith recorded, the prophet suggested women should sometimes dress up and put perfume for their husbands to increase the intimacy fun.
Of course, there may be some things in life that hinder the intimate relationship between husband and wife, such as housework, children, finances, illness, or other things that hinder romance. These daily factors may make people feel that there is no time and energy, and thus interfere with their desire for intimacy.
If this is the case, one can follow the example of the prophet (pbuh), keep fasting often, be patient, communicate with wife, use actions to help, and face difficulties together, then one can pass their life together till the end like prophet and Khadijah.
Intimate behavior is important, but also if we can share good times and also bad times together, then this can truly strengthen the relationship between each other; also have a clear belief, and a couple who have the same goals for hereafter, then this will be the true success in both lives.
A song lyric, “success requires hard work”. Whether it is study, work, interpersonal relationship, or husband and wife relationship, one must work on it with sincerity, and there is no such thing as “no working and get everything”. In the end, wish everyone to be “husband wife in one heart, so strong that even can cut metal like gold” (Chinese proverb)
Next episode will continue discussing. Thanks for listening.