Podcast
Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem
In 1400 years ago, women generally in any part of the world had no say in many aspects of their lives. They had no rights to make many decisions related to themselves. Divorce was and still is a taboo for women. After getting married, divorce was in total control only with men, maybe only with very little exception for those women who come from noble backgrounds.
In the olden time Christianity did not even allow divorce, and Catholic still not allowed divorce. In Hindu culture, women were not allowed to ask for divorce. If women got divorced by their husband, they would be either outcast or killed. When their husband died, they had to be cremation with them alive.
After Islam came, Allah had actually banning many old customs that divorce women unfairly and giving the rights to women to ask for divorce too that people cannot imagine in olden time. That’s why many Ayat will end up like, if you are the righteous, or it’s the duty for a good doer or to affirm your faith in God and His messenger.
Also, clearly giving rules about divorce that make sure who’s the unborn real father rather than either pushing the father’s responsibility to someone who is not. Or the real father simply denying the unborn, so that they can escape the responsibility or share any inheritance.
Today will discuss about divorce.
Before getting married, one found a wife who could marry, and one have not yet consummated the marriage, or fixed a dower money upon them. If one divorce them, according to the Quran (2:236), there is no blame upon you. But give them [a gift of] compensation – the wealthy according to his capability and the poor according to his capability – a provision according to what is acceptable, a duty upon the doers of good.
To put it simply, as long as it is verbal, a woman knows that she will become a wife, but before marriage, nothing has happened then it is over. The man still has to give a gift as compensation to the woman, who got rejected before marriage, as this is the minimum duty a man should do. Why here use “do not yet consummated the marriage” in this verse? Because this is the basic etiquette between unmarried people. As it can be understood that, if consummated the marriage before marriage, this is simply becoming the act of adultery. And it will not be permitted by any religion that believes in the One Creator.
(33:49) O You who have believed, when you marry believing women and then divorce them before you have consummate the marriage, then there is not for you any waiting period to count concerning them. So provide for them and give them a gracious release.
If the man asks for a divorce, it is called Talaq in Arabic. It must go through a cooling-off period, also known as the waiting period for marriage, which means that during this cooling-off period, the wife is not pregnant. After that, if the woman remarries and becomes pregnant, she can be sure who the child belongs to. And the above verse clearly pointed out that if a divorce occurs after marriage, but there is no intimacy, women do not need this waiting period. Women can remarry at any time after the divorce, and at the same time, the men has to let the women to leave and provide them, which is referred to the Quran (2:237) If you divorce them before the marriage is consummated, but after their dower money has been settled, give them the half of their dower money, unless they [the women] agree to forego it, or the man [the husband] in whose hand lies the marriage knot foregoes it. To forego is nearer to righteousness. Do not neglect any chance of behaving benevolently towards each other. God is observant of whatever you do.
That is to say, the man should give half of the dowry that has been set for the women who have been hurt by the abandoned marriage, but if the woman or the new husband wishes, the dowry can be forgiven according to the actual situation of both parties at the time. Because Allah reminds them that He is aware of all actions, so don’t try to force the other party to give up their due rights, or get the other party into trouble just for revenge.
The Arabs 1400 years ago, when they wanted to divorce their wives, those men would say that the backs of their wives were the backs of their mothers, so they would no longer have intimacy with them, and this used to be the reason for divorcing their wives. To put it simply, in fact, It is equivalent to telling these wives that they are old, they fade their color like a pearl become yellow (Chinese proverb), yellow-faced women, their looks are no longer attractive, they are out of shape, nagging like mothers, they have lost interest in these wives, and so on. Therefore, Allah sent this for the complaining believing woman.
(58:2-4) Those who separate themselves from their wives by pronouncing, “To me you are like my mother’s back,” must concede that they are not their mothers; none are their mothers except those who gave birth to them — surely they utter an evil word and a lie. God is pardoning, forgiving. Those who put away their wives by equating them with their mothers, and then wish to go back on what they have said, must set free a slave before the couple may touch one another again. This is what you are exhorted to do. God is fully aware of what you do, and anyone who does not have the means must fast for two consecutive months before they touch each other, and who is not able to do that must feed sixty needy people. That is to affirm your faith in God and His messenger. These are the limits set by God. Those who deny the truth shall have a painful punishment.
This verse forbade such grounds for divorce and abolished the old custom of divorcing his wife. It also prevented men from speaking bad words to demean their wives. Therefore, they must be punished and redeemed before they can have intimacy with their wives. It’s not just that one can hurt their wife’s feelings at will to satisfy their own mood or pleasure, and then do not take it seriously. Allah clearly added punishment details to this action, because it means that do not think because the wife will always forgive, then one do whatever they want. In front of Allah, this is an act that needs to be taught and punished. Even if the wife forgives and does not punish the husband, Allah simply imposed this rule to give justice for those wives.
Meanwhile, at that time, some men vowed not to have intimacy with their wives for a period of time, usually ranging from a few days to four months. Therefore, Allah mentioned in the Quran (2:226) “For those who swear that they will not approach their wives, there shall be a waiting period of four months: if they revert to conciliation, surely, God is most forgiving and ever merciful;”
That is to say, it is a day to fulfill one’s pledged oath, and after this pledge, being able to return to his wife’s side means to have intimacy with his wife again, otherwise, he will have to divorce.
In the Quran (65:1-7) and (2:228-242), the practice of husband divorce women and wife divorce husband has been clearly stated. The Arabic word for divorce woman is called Talaq, which requires a cooling-off period, also known as the waiting period, as mentioned before, it is necessary to make sure that the woman is not pregnant. If the woman is menstruating, the calculation cannot be started. This cooling-off period can only be calculated after the woman’s menstruation is clean. When waiting for the completion of three menstrual cycles, the man cannot push the woman out of the home during the waiting period. Cannot hurt the woman, and has to provide daily necessities as usual. If during the waiting period, it is found that the woman is pregnant, the divorce cannot be established, and the cooling-off period can only be recalculated after the baby is born. Unless the man explicitly cancels the divorce, or in daily life, holding hands, kissing, or couples have intimacy, then the divorce cooling-off period will be automatically canceled, and the cooling-off period will be recalculated the next time the divorce is pronounced. If after the cooling-off period, the two parties still have no words or behavior to walk together again, then the divorce will take effect.
It’s not like some Muslims now say Talaq, Talaq, Talaq three times in a row, that is, I divorced my wife, I divorced my wife, I divorced my wife, then this divorce is completed, and the woman is immediately driven out of the street. This is completely self-innovated and changing the command of Allah which is not accepted.
in the Qur’an (2:229) it is mentioned that “Divorce may be pronounced twice, and then a woman must be retained honorably or released with kindness. It is not lawful for you to take away anything of what you have given your wives, unless both fear that they would not be able to observe the bounds set by God. In such a case it shall be no sin for either of them if the woman opts to give something for her release. These are the bounds set by God; do not transgress them. Those who transgress the bounds of God are wrongdoers.”
It is clearly pointed out that the woman can file for a divorce. If the man agrees, the woman does not have to wait for the waiting period. The woman can refund the Mahr which is not more than what she received at the time of the marriage as a break-up fee. If the man does not agree to the divorce, the woman can unilaterally file for a divorce through a judge, called Faskh in Arabic, to dissolve the marriage contract.
(2:230) “And if man finally divorces his wife, he cannot remarry her until she has married another man. Then if the next husband divorces her, there will be no blame on either of them if the former husband and wife return to one another, provided they think that they can keep within the bounds set by God. These are the bounds prescribed by God, which He makes clear to men of understanding.”
It is common for men 1400 years ago to divorce their wives and then withdraw many times. Some women continue to live in this torturing cycle. Some men even expressly divorce to their wives, just want them to be in pain. but when the waiting time as soon as come to an end, then withdrawal again, this practice will be repeated. As a result, Allah sent the above two Ayat for the believing woman who complained about her situation. The wife can return mahr no more than what she received at time of marriage, as part of a break-up to set herself free, and also prohibiting this unfair practice of men. Therefore, If one pronounced divorce his wife for the third time, one must divorce, even if one regretted, it would not help.
Because if a man unilaterally pronounced for a divorce, there will be a three-month cohabitation cooling-off period. If one also vowed not to have intimacy with wife before, then add that time also. During this time, one might regret, then couples go together again. And then dispute again, the divorce will be pronounced again. In short, there were only two times which is allowed to withdraw the divorce pronounced. For the third time pronounced, the divorce must be completed. Therefore, the shortest cooling-off period is three months, and the longest can be considered for nine months or more than a year.
If a husband divorced his wife, he cannot remarry back to her husband until she remarried. If she divorced again, she can remarry her ex-husband. This will be a really long process, giving men and women enough time to think, actually giving women enough time to heal, and God grants women more in control.
It’s totally unlike some Muslims who read Talaq three times continuously and didn’t wait for the cooling-off period, then they pushed their wife out of the street. Later, regretted and asked the ex-wife come back, and the ex-wife agreed, so she just found a man to marry again. After having intimacy with the new temporary husband, then hoped to get a divorce immediately, but many unimaginable problems have arisen during this. All these various practices, especially in their intentions have been very wrong from the beginning. They wanted to deceive God and deceive themselves. In the end, most of these women eventually become victims again, and the losses outweigh the gains.
Actually, this verse is not only giving a rule on how the women can marry their ex-husbands again, but instead was to make men feel the consequences of divorcing their wives. Women’s world is not just only surrounding their ex-husbands. Women can also have many choices, also can have the love from other man, marrying other man is to give a chance to refresh themselves, and no need to look back.
In summary, in Islam, men and women are different in handling divorce. Allah gives women more control over the divorce issue, because men and women have very different styles of thinking about the relationship between both genders. At the same time, as long as the man pronounced talaq, whether it is just a verbal contract, no dowry decided yet; or with dowry decided, married but not yet intimacy; or married and already consummated marriage, then (2:241) “For divorced women a provision according to what is fair shall also be made. This is an obligation binding on the righteous.”
The dowry must not get back. During the divorce period, women must not be driven out of the place until they are divorced, until the end of the waiting period or cooling-off period. During the waiting period, one must not violate upon wives and one should treat them well. During the waiting period, husbands can get back their wives and if wives are willing to accept. But it does not mean that they can keep torturing their wives by repeating this practice. When the husband pronounced divorced his wife the third times, it must be over.
Finally, one must reflect on the intention of all these decisions? Some people will ask, if God exists, why divorce? Among the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), except “Aisha”, the rest of the wives are either divorced or widows. How much heartache and sadness did they endure in the process of their marriage failure or the death of their husband? How many tears did they shed? Under the circumstances at the time, they would not have imagine that one day they would become the wife of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and become those women that were highly respected by all Muslims. The momentary failure of marriage, is not meaning to lose the whole of life. How can one know what later blessings Allah has planted for those who have failed marriages at this moment?
Many times, there is no right or wrong in relationship, but in the process, we need to reflect on how much sincerity the both sides have? how much effort both sides have? and how much frankness do both sides have each other? Where do they put the teachings of Allah in their relationship?
Therefore, do not despair, do not be discouraged. There are still many beautiful things to do in life. Time is the best healer. Patience will always come to an end one day. There will always be ups and downs in life. Without the sadness moment, how can one can really feel and enjoy the happy moment? All praises belong to Allah, the Lord of the world.
Next week will continue. Thanks for listening.