Podcast
Bismillah Rahmani Raheem
In the previous episode mentioned the Hadith, ““Whoever marries has achieved one half of one’s religion.” This Hadith shows the important
of family, also clear indicate the important of husband and wife relationship.
Both parties existence, should be mutual support, mutual remind, to fill in each other’s shortcomings, have the same goals towards
hereafter, because of these, both get closer to Allah, then this is the real completion of half of the Deen.
However, if after marriage, both parties have conflict all time, or one side always get bully, get beaten up, get hurt, naturally, the
person will have no more mind and energy to worship Allah, because all thinking will sink into dealing with the difficult marriage, the worst
of all, the difficult marriage might create the doubt of Allah’s arrangement.
Therefore, to realize this Hadith, staying harmony, good relationship love from each others, all are important together. So, this episode is
talking about the prohibited act in Islam ~ domestic violence.
Domestic violence, also called “domestic abuse” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship
that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economical, religious
or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, religion, education level or gender. In the past till now, domestic violence still exists in every corner of the world, it never stops.
1400 years ago, Arabs cared only male, due to their superior feeling, they can kill the newborn girls and young girls, to force female
slaves to be prostitutes to earn money, women had no rights to speak and no rights to inherited, women were viewed as part of properties,
sell daughters, wives, female slaves always happening, especially to those female without any backing by power, money and people. The only
way for them to continue to live, maybe just accept that was their fate.
It can easily imagine women in that kind of society, how common it will be facing violence. In previous podcast has already mentioned many Quran Ayat, how they stopped people to kill female, women were given the rights to inherited, the rights to own assets and no need to share with husband, encourage male to give female the same studying opportunity, so that elevate the women’s status, stop forcing female into prostitution and abandoned slavery system that no more selling human, etc.
The people in olden time, have no concept of domestic violence and this word is only starting to know in the last 50-60 years. Hit women,
corporal punishment, these are very common among many societies and as the norm. Whoever, especially women and children, disobey, not
following, argue back, usually will not be accepted. They might face being slapped and different kinds of corporal punishment, so it is not
strange in 1400 years ago.
Quran (4:34) Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has made one of them excel over the other, and because they
spend out of their possessions (to support them). Thus righteous women are obedient and guard the rights of men in their absence under
Allah’s protection. As for women of whom you fear rebellion, admonish them, and remain apart from them in beds, and beat them. Then if they
obey you, do not seek ways to harm them. Allah is Exalted, Great.
To many people, this Aaya is quite controversy, because to eliminate the long time common habit and norm, and to eliminate long term unfair
treatment to women, it needs to do it gradually. It’s similar like the law of banning alcohol and abandoning slavery system, it came gradually.
This Aaya beginning with “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women”. What is protectors? A person who protects someone from any
harm. It means need to use words and action to protect, to keep thing intact, it’s opposite of oppression. Therefore, this is the order to men, to protect women, it’s not oppressed women, control women, bully women, hitting women, kidnap women and sexual assault women.
After that, teach men in three steps, how to deal with rebellious women. First is to admonish them, usually only under peaceful and calm manner, then it can be called admonish. Second, is to separate sleeping. If both steps have done and still not successful, then one can hit her. At this point, almost all scholars have the same agreement that the hit should not leave any mark on body, which means the hit is like a dragonfly dancing on the water. The hit is a symbolic gesture. Meanwhile, there is a hadith prohibited slapping on face, even the worst of your enemies. So, it’s definitely prohibited to slap on face even the wife and children. Also, it definitely stopped men from hitting women anyhow, with any
excuse, for example you don’t look right, food not tasty, etc that to get into trouble. Meanwhile, some scholars also described it as very last resort.
At last, this Aaya said “if they obey you, do not seek ways to harm them. Allah is Exalted, Great.” It means stop when it’s enough, do not
exceed the necessity, Allah is exalted and great, do not think one can run away from Allah, so they can do whatever they want, it’s like they
are greater than Allah. If one exceeds what Allah has permitted, then definitely one has to face the responsibility of all actions.
Meanwhile, Abu Hurairah narrated Allah’s Messenger said: “The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character
among them. And the best of you are those who are best to your women.”
Another Hadith: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.”
Plus, the example of Prophet (PBUH). In many narration from his wives, he will help doing house chore, mending his own socks, they all agreed
that he has very mild temper and always in good manners. When his first wife “Khadijah” was alive, Prophet (pbuh) never stopped her continuing her career, never took away her wealth and business as his own. He took care of her children from ex-husbands, and also took care of their own children. From the record and one can see their interactions with each others, can see how close is the father daughters relationship.
Prophet (pbuh) also never stopped her getting in touch with her families and friends, even Khadijah passed away, he continued caring
for her families and friends that made Ayesha so jealous of Khadijah. When Prophet (pbuh) first received the revelation, he was very shocked
and scared, it’s Khadijah so certain about his personality and good behavior that gave so much support and comfort to Prophet that time.
During the three years of tribes’ boycott, Khadijah can leave Prophet to avoid the boycott, oppressed and starving. But she didn’t leave, besides she is a good wife, but also can see how great is the Prophet treatment to her, that’s why can make a woman willing to take all the suffering together and refuse to leave him.
Imagine if a man hit a woman, sexual and verbal assault, cut off finance, get back the dowry or never give dowry, stop wive to meet families and friends, twisted the religion and used it to threaten wife daily life. So, when this man face difficulty, if you are the wife, will you still be loyal and stick with him to pass through the difficult time?
To have a loyal heart, not leave no matter what, don’t come from
heaven, no such thing as take it for granted, it has to work for it
and to build it. No such thing that there is only bad women, it’s
because there are bad men too.
In different Aaya, when talking about women, many times, there will
have sentences like “do not oppressed them” and “do not seek ways to
harm them.” etc.
In one of the Quranic stories, Aus bin Asmit divorced his wife with
the old tradition of calling his wife the mother’s back. Not long
later, he wanted to have an intimate relationship with her. So, she
refused and struggled out almost naked that she sought help from her
neighbour. After that he went to Prophet (pbuh) and complained. Later,
Allah reveal the Quran (58:2-4) and (33:4) to rebuke the husband, and
prohibited the old divorce custom (say mother’s back). The whole
incident, there is nowhere to reprimand the wife for refusing her
husband’s request. Instead, after she got unfair treatment, she chose
to refuse him and at last got Allah’s revelation about the old and
wrong tradition and also the compensation for the husband’s
wrongdoing.
It’s really difficult to takeaway own desire, control own emotion and
thoughts. To have a Muslim’s name, doesn’t represent that person
follows Islam. Only those who really fear Allah’s anger and His
disappointment. No matter how unwillingly or unhappy but still choose
to follow Allah’s commandment.
In summary, one cannot use this Aaya (4:34) as an excuse to hit wife,
to hurt wife, because actually these people do not follow Quran and
Hadith. Instead they follow their own desire, and twisting the facts
and trying to make their action look right. And (2:187) mention,
“…they are your clothes and you are their clothes…” Imagine,
clothing is the closest items that stick to our private part. Besides
winter can give warm, summer can protect from sun burning, it also
give a good appearance. The longer the clothing is, the material
become much comfortable. And to maintain the clothing as new and
bright, one must carefully maintain, clean and take care of them. If
found any torn, should fix it immediately. If one treasure the
clothing, it can use very long time. This clothing is like husband and
wife relationship, to cover up each other’s secret and private
matters, treasure each other’s existence, then it will last long, it’s
totally opposite the meaning of the Chinese concept of women are
clothing. (Note: Chinese proverb, brothers are like limbs, women are
like clothing. So, brothers cannot be disconnected, but women can
change like clothing.)
Therefore, to assault wife, corporal punishment. insulting language,
blame all time, cut off finance, cut off and isolate the contact of
families and friends, etc toward wives, it’s not the teaching of
Islam, instead it’s all prohibited. Any language and action that led
others to have doubt in Allah’s existence, or to stay far from Allah
or give up to believe in Allah, all their actions and words will be
judged. Quran (9:71) mentioned: “Believing men and believing women are
protector to each others.” Protect and harm are total opposite
meaning, they cannot compare at all. Some say: sometimes hurting means
protecting, these are Grand-sounding excuse, only those are blind in
heart or the oppressors believe it.
During Prophet (pbuh) farewell speech in Hajj, he emphasized to take
care of women well if one fears Allah.
(2:256) “There shall be no compulsion in [acceptance of] the
religion.” If there is no compulsion to believe in Allah, then nothing
is more than important than Allah. So, there cannot have compulsion in
relationship too. especially the relationship that deprives others of
their due rights.
(7:33) Say, “My Lord has only forbidden immoralities – what is
apparent of them and what is concealed – and sin, and oppression
without right, and that you associate with Allah that for which He has
not sent down authority, and that you say about Allah that which you
do not know.”
(4:17) The repentance accepted by Allah is only for those who do wrong
in ignorance [or carelessness] and then repent soon after. It is those
to whom Allah will turn in forgiveness, and Allah is ever Knowing and
Wise.
Next episode will continue discussing about marriage. Thanks for listening.